Dr. Kelso: Hello, I'm Dr. Kelso, I'm delighted that you came So the doctors say you fainted, and you don't know what's to blame Well, put your mind at ease, there's no ill we can't outsmart On behalf of all who work here...
All: Welcome to Sacred Heart!
J.D.: Our facilities are excellent! You couldn't ask for more Janitor: As long as you avoid the bathrooms on the second floor
Dr. Kelso: This is Dr. Cox, I'll be giving him your chart Dr. Cox: And that's Dr. Kelso -- the kiss-ass of Sacred Heart!
Turk: You say you burned your hand real bad -- we'll fix you up with gauze Elliot: Perhaps you need your fat sucked out -- or want a smaller schnoz! J.D.: Hey!
Dr. Kelso: You caught an S.T.D. from some tasty little tart?
All: We swear We won't judge you here at Sacred... Here at Sacred... Here at Sacred Heart!
(Instrumental)
Dr. Kelso: One more thing that I should mention, if what I've heard is true And everyone appears to be singing to you....
All: Ahh, Ahhh! Ahh, Ahhh! Ahh, Ahhh! Ahh, Ahhh!
Dr. Kelso: Your case is very serious! And we'd better start!
All: 'Cause if you think we're singing, you belong at Sacred Heart! Doctors! Nurses! Patients! Dead guys! Welcome to Sacred Heart!
J.D.: Hey, Ms. Miller -- we just need a stool sample
Patti: Why do you need a stool sample if you think I'm just a nut?
Turk & JD: 'Cause the answer's not in your head, my dear -- it's in your butt!
J.D.: You see.... Everything comes down to poo! From the top of your head, to the sole of your shoe We can figure out what's wrong with you by lookin' at your poo! Turk?
Turk: Do you have a hemorrhoid or is it rectal cancer? When you flush your dookie down, you flush away the answer!
J.D.: It doesn't really matter if it's hard or if it's loose We'll figure out what's ailing you, as long as it's a deuce! Yes! Everything comes down to poo!
Nurses: Everything comes down to poo!
J.D.: Cardiovascular and lymphatic, yes, the nervous system, too! All across the nation, we trust in defecation! Everything comes down to poo!
Turk: If you want to know what's wrong, don't sit and act so cool Just be a man and eat some bran, and drop the kids off at the pool!
Robed Woman (spoken): My stomach hurts J.D.: Check the poo
Limping Woman (spoken): I sprained my ankle Turk: Check the poo!
Bloody Shoulder Guy (spoken): I was shot! J.D.: Check the poo!
Delivery Guy (spoken): A homeless guy threw poo in my eye! Turk: Check the poo! Delivery Guy (spoken): Mine or his? J.D.: First him, then you!
It may sound gross, you may say "shush!"
J.D. & Turk: But we need to see what comes out of your tush! Because!
All: Everything comes down to poo! Whether it's a tumor or a touch of the flu!
J.D. & Turk: Please, won't you pinch us off a big, fat clue!
Turk: Our number one test is your Number Two!
All: If there's no breeze, light a match please! Everything comes down to --
Ted's Band: Mmmm, mmmm.... We understand you love that kid, but this ain't no way to treat us
Nurse Roberts: And I hesitate to say you did, what Judas done to Jesus!
Doug: When you leave us all, we'll be upset
Janitor: Look out -- that floor is very wet
All: We're gonna miss you, Carla We're gonna miss you 'round here! We're gonna miss you, Carla We're singin' this through our tears! How we ever gonna get along without ya for a long, long year?
Ted: Who'll tell me that my new toupee looks sweet?
Dr. Kelso: Who'll treat my gay son's rash and be discrete?
Todd: Who'll give me better ways to say "man-meat"?
Carla (spoken): "Pincho chiquito"
Todd (spoken): Thanks! I'm usin' that!
All: Ooooh, we're gonna miss you 'round here We're gonna miss you, Carla We're singin' this through our tears How we ever gonna get along without ya for a long, long year?
Turk: My baby's made the choice to be at home and not at work So let us all rejoice 'cause she's the brand-new Mama Turk!
Carla: He's right of course, and yet my heart In spite of this feels torn apart
All: We're gonna miss you, Carla We're gonna miss you 'round here!
Ted: I need a tissue, Carla!
All: We're singin' this through our tears! How we ever gonna get along without ya? How we ever gonna get along without ya? How we ever gonna get along without ya?
J.D.: Dr. Cox, huge news! I pulled some strings and got the parking spot right behind yours! Bumper buddies!
Dr. Cox: Still, you're not ne-he-hearly as bad as her Do you know how much you annoy me? (Spoken) The answer is a lot Should I list the reasons why? Well, I don't see why not
It's your hair, your nose, your chinless face You always need a hug Not to mention all the manly appletinis that you chug That you think I am your mentor just continues to perplex And, oh my God, stop telling me when you have nerdy sex!
J.D. (spoken): Oh, by the way, last time Kim was in town, we got some appletinis and poured 'em on her good parts!
Dr. Cox: See now, Newbie, that's the thing you do that drives me up a tree 'Cause no matter how I rant at you, you never let me be! So I'm stuck with all your daydreaming, your wish to be my son It makes me suicidal and I'm not the only one No, I'm not the only one
Janitor: It all started with a penny in the door There was a hatred I had never felt before So now I'll make him pay, each and every day Until that moussed-haired little nuisance...is...no...more
Dr. Cox: So now that is why I call you names like Carol, Jane, and Sue Like Moesha, Kim, and Lillian, Suzanne and Betty-Lou See, regardless of the names I pick, my feelings are quite clear You're a pain in every day of every month of every year!
Patti: Dr. Cox, you gotta help me, 'cause I really am distressed! Can't you find another option, won't you run another test?
Dr. Cox: If you want some kind of favor, really any kind of favor Please just get me peace and quiet from this God-forsaken pest!
J.D. (spoken): I think what my bumper-buddy is trying to say...
Patti: Shut your cake-hole, Mary-Beth, or I swear to God I'll shut it soon!
Dr. Cox: Congratulations, we'll schedule your test this afternoon
J.D.: I'm sure you must be scared Not knowing what this test will bring It could prove that you are crazy Do you still hear people sing?
It's best to know the truth Of that I have no doubt But you'll have to face the future.... When the truth comes out!
Dr. Cox: We are running a test that's a waste of our time But at least she'll accept that she's medically fine She'll admit that she's nuts, or I'll have to say "snore!" Just give her the CAT-scan, and show her the door
J.D.: While we process your results We'll take you back to wait
Turk: We've got drugs to calm you down So you don't stress about your fate
J.D. & Turk: It's best to know the truth Of that we have no doubt But you'll have to face the future....
All: You'll have to face the future....
J.D. & Turk: When the truth comes out!
Carla: You're gonna miss it, Carla You're gonna miss it 'round here Gonna hurt him badly But you can't stay away for one whole year
Patti: I know that I'm not crazy
J.D.: Everything comes down to poo!
Patti: I hope that I'm not crazy
J.D.: When we move, I'm gonna have my own private loo!
Patti: Oh, no!
Elliot: How'm I supposed to tell him that he's not moving, too?
Patti: Oh, my God!
Elliot: He doesn't have a clue!
Patti: I'm crazy!
Dr. Kelso: If you'd like to reconsider I'd be glad to do my part If you want, your job is open Come on back to Sacred Heart!
Radiologist (spoken): Look at the temporal lobe. That could be why she's hearing music. Dr. Cox (spoken): It's the biggest aneurysm I've ever seen. The woman's a time-bomb.
All: Sometimes you're better off not knowing But this isn't one of those times Your world's become a musical And your doctors speak in rhymes! It's best to know the truth Of that we have no doubt But you'll have to face the future....
Carla: How can I tell him? Elliot: How can I tell him? Dr. Cox: How can I tell her?
All: You'll have to face the future When the truth comes out!
Patti: So, Dr. Cox, is it serious? Oh.
All: Ahhh.... Ahhh.... Ahhh.... When the truth comes out!
J.D.: Let's face the facts about me and you A love unspecified Though I'm proud to call you Chocolate Bear The crowd will always talk and stare
Turk: I feel exactly those feelings, too And that's why I keep them inside 'Cause this Bear can't bear the world's disdain And sometimes it's easier to hide
J.D. & Turk: Than explain our guy love, that's all it is Guy love, he's mine, I'm his There's nothing gay about it in our eyes
Turk: You ask me 'bout this thing we share J.D.: And he tenderly replies Turk: It's guy love J.D. & Turk: Between two guys.
Turk: We're closer than the average man and wife J.D.: That's why our matching bracelets say "Turk & J.D."!
Turk: You know I'll stick by you for the rest of my life. J.D.: You're the only man who's ever been inside of me!
Turk (spoken): Whoa, whoa. I just took out his appendix.
J.D.: There's no need to clarify Turk: Oh, no? J.D.: Just let it grow more and more each day! It's like I married my best friend Turk: But in a totally manly way!
J.D. & Turk: Let's go! It's guy love Don't compromise The feeling of some other guy Holding up your heart into the sky
J.D.: I'll be there to care through all the lows Turk: I'll be there to share your highs Uh!
J.D. & Turk: It's guy love between two guys
J.D.: And when I say "I love you, Turk" It's not what it implies
Carla: I've had it up to here So let me make it very clear Because I swear I'll never clue you in again
Every time that you profess I come from Puerto Rico --
Turk: Yes?
Carla: -- For the last time, Turk, I'm Dominican!
Turk: Don't make a big to-do I was simply testing you
Carla: Then why'd you tell J.D. our baby's "blaxican"?
Turk: Babe, you know I know the truth
Carla: Well, I need a little proof So list all you know about me, or no sex again
Turk: Uh... Let's see... Your name is Carla
Carla: Oh, yes
Turk: You are Latina
Carla: Impressive
Turk: You're a nurse, your mother's dead And, wait -- I got it! Three sisters
Carla: Turk!
Turk: Two sisters? Well, I'm sure you have a brother who's a huge jerk-off!
Carla: Tell me, what's my middle name?
Turk: Okay, I'm tired of this game Let's forget it, I give up, I guess you win again But it's not just me who gets mixed up By all this crazy ethnic stuff!
Todd: Sorry, even I know, she's Dominican! Boo-ya!
Carla: Did I grow up in Illinois or was it Michigan? How long before we met was I in medicine? Was our wedding song the Beatles or Led Zeppelin? Am I freakin' Puerto Rican or Dominican?
Turk: The thing is guys remember facts Like what Derek Jeter hit last year, which was three-oh-three! And that is why our brains are maxed And there's no room for things like birthdays or ethnicities!
Carla: Well, thank you for that glimpse into the workings of the inner man
Turk: Let's talk about your job and not the fact that you're --
Carla: -- Dominican!
Turk: You're not staying home from work
Carla: Will that make you happy, Turk?
Turk: I'll support you if you choose to earn the Benjamins
Carla: Then I'll return to work today! Now, you're sure that that's okay?
Turk: I say "¡Sí!" -- which is "yes" in Dominican! And Puerto Rican!
J.D.: We'll be... Friends forever! We're gonna be friends forever! We will always be true-ooh-ooh! Friends forever! We're gonna be friends forever! I'll always be there for you!
We're as close as --
Turk: The vena cava and the aorta!
J.D.: We're best friends just like --
Elliot: Amoxicillin and clavulanic acid!
Dr. Kelso: The tibia, the fibula! The left and right ventricle!
Elliot: A hypodermic needle and a latex tourniquet!
All: Diverticulitis and a barium enema!
Dr. Kelso: The vena cava and the aorta! Elliot: Amoxicillin and clavulanic acid! All: (We'll be friends forever!)
Dr. Kelso: The tibia, the fibula! The left and right ventricle! Elliot: A hypodermic needle and a latex tourniquet! All: (We'll be friends forever!)
Dr. Kelso: The vena cava and the aorta! Elliot: Amoxicillin and clavulanic acid! All: (We'll be friends forever!)
Dr. Kelso: The tibia, the fibula! The left and right ventricle! Elliot: A hypodermic needle and a--
Patti: What's going to happen? What does the future hold? So many things that I put off Assuming I'd have time, assuming I'd grow old What's going to happen? And will I be alive tomorrow? What's going to happen...to me?
Dr. Cox: You're going to be okay
All: That's what's going to happen Everything's okay We're right here beside you We won't let you slip away Plan for tomorrow 'Cause we swear to you You're going to be okay
Patti: I'm going to be okay
All: That's what's going to happen
Patti: Everything's okay
All: Everything's okay We will never leave you Right here we will stay (Plan for tomorrow) Plan for tomorrow 'Cause we swear to you You're going to be okay